The Mommy Olympics will be like gymnastics (lots of different activities all going on at once) so that the familiar deafening noise and chaos will put all parents at ease. Here are my ideas for the games and how they will be judged:
Quickest diaper AND outfit change of toddler who is one hour late for their nap. This is a timed event, though bonus points will be given to competitors of children who are having epic meltdowns. Honorary medal given to mothers of blowout diapers.
Beginning at the driver's seat of a minivan, competitors will sprint 100 yards carrying an overflowing diaper bag, then proceed to hand pump 6 oz of milk OR successfully mix formula (while blindfolded). Sprint up a staircase, feed the baby all 6 ounces (WHILE SINGING) and burp him/her. Fastest time from minivan to belch wins.
Judges will determine who has made the most appetizing meal that was cooked while a child cried holding onto your leg. NOTE: Barney will be blaring in the background and lego toys will be strategically placed around the work area. Bonus points will be given to any competitor who did not make spaghetti.
For time: chug 8 ounces of stone cold coffee
If you are interested in competing in the mommy Olympics, and/or desire to become more physically fit, try the below exercises in preparation:
- Go up and down the stairs with the baby on your hip at least 37 times a day. Forget what you went upstairs for on the landing. Go back downstairs. Place your baby on the ground so she starts to cry. Remember what you forgot upstairs. Pick up the baby and go back upstairs.
- Squat down to pick up your baby with one arm while you carry an overflowing laundry basket in the other arm. Drop all the clothes on the way to the washer. Change your mind about washing clothes and resume watching cartoons.
- Fold clothes while your baby is awake so she can grab every item of clothing and throw it on the ground, thus ensuring you have to fold everything at least 3 times.
- Run back and forth from the stove to the playroom every 45 seconds to make sure baby isn’t electrocuting herself while you cook dinner.
- Wrestle with your child at each diaper and outfit change. Bonus points for attempting to reason with your baby. Delude yourself into thinking they understand you by saying things like “if you just stay still this will be over in 10 seconds!”
- Race to the bathroom and pee as fast as you can before the baby realizes you’ve left the room and follows you.
- Convince yourself that your baby will sit on your lap quietly during church service even though it’s in the middle of her nap time. Attempt to hold her during the ensuing tantrum. If you don’t have an infant but would still like the workout, go find a baby dolphin, force feed it some Redbull, and cover it in oil and try to hold onto it while it thrashes around.
- Frantically fish toilet paper, leaves, and bottle caps out of your child’s mouth. Have a panic attack and convince yourself that she swallowed something that is not food-grade. Wait for baby to throw up then resume being slightly worried for 2 days.
- Dance to the theme song of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with exaggerated movements 3 times a day.
- Dash downstairs as soon as the baby falls asleep and cram bottle parts and baby food jars into the dishwasher, arrange toys into haphazard piles in the living room, and frantically scrub dried food off the highchair arm rails while you inwardly calculate how many hours of sleep you will get if you fall asleep RIGHT NOW.
- Drag yourself up the stairs and collapse into your bed. Remember that you didn’t brush your teeth. Roll off the bed onto the floor and crawl toward the bathroom because you can’t afford to have a cavity.