You’ve seen the headlines: “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was sitting on the toilet and the baby came out!” Or “I started experiencing severe abdominal pain and it wasn’t until the ambulance arrived that I was told I was in labor!”
Back in my youth, my thought process would run something like “well maybe if a woman was really overweight….”
As I am nearing the end of my first pregnancy, the thought that a woman could be unaware that she is harboring another life inside of her body is absolutely comical.
My complete lack of desire to move off the couch I am currently occupying has inspired me to compile a list of thoughts or phrases for the unsuspecting woman that may serve as a “heads up” of sorts to enlighten said woman about her gestational state. If you find yourself saying or thinking some of the below points, you may want to consider buying a pregnancy test.
- “Hmmm, that’s weird. I didn’t have my period this month!”
- “My boobs are KILLING me. Like I woke myself up in the middle of the night because I rolled onto my stomach.”
- “Why am I so tired? I just woke up!”
- “Did I just burst into tears over a Publix commercial AGAIN??”
- “So you know my bloodhound? I definitely just put his sense of smell to shame.”
- “That’s weird… I just peed like an hour ago and now I have to go again…”
- “Hmmm, that’s weird. I haven’t had my period in a few months...”
- “I just stood up really quickly and felt like someone stabbed my uterus with a jagged knife!” (Round ligament pain people—If you’ve never had it, rejoice!)
- “Is that backne??”
- “Wow! Those pants fit me a couple of months ago… what happened??”
- “Look how thick my hair is getting!”
- “Did something just move inside me?”
- “I just peed 30 minutes ago and have to go again!”
- “That’s weird… I missed my period again. That’s like 9 months in a row now!”
- “That’s odd. I can’t see my feet anymore!”
- “Speaking of feet, I have 20 pairs of shoes and NONE of them fit! Maybe I should go buy flip flops 3 sizes too big and still struggle to put them on, or burst into tears because my husband has to help me put on compression socks so I can squeeze my elephantine feet into rubber beach shoes?!”
- “Speaking of shoes, my clothes don’t fit either…”
- “That’s weird, I just peed 90 seconds ago and have to go again!”
- “Wow, my stomach just moved of its own accord… almost like there’s something the size of a large Yorkie dancing around in there…”
- “I eat a bottle of Tums everyday, but I regularly feel like the acid pooling continually in my throat is going to spew out of my mouth at any moment.”
- “Is this scale working? Because I’ve gained 40 lbs”
- “Did I just have a nervous breakdown at Atlanta Bread Company because the fruit cup only have 4 pieces of fruit in it??”
- “I can’t feel my hands or fingers anymore!”
If you’ve never thought or said these things but think you MAY be pregnant, try focusing on what other people, including complete strangers, say around you. Such as:
- “Are you expecting?”
- “When are you due?”
- “How much longer do you have?”
- “Do you know what you’re having?”
- “Wow! You look like you’re going to pop!”
- “Wow! Are you sure there aren’t twins in there??”
- “WOW that baby is going to be 15 lbs!”
- “WOW! You’re getting huge!”
If you’re still unsure, focus on your emotional state. Are you more “weepy” than usual? For example, do you cry within minutes of waking up, or in the shower, for no apparent reason? What about bursting into tears while sitting at work? Or fits of hysterical sobbing during ASPCA commercials, YouTube videos of soldiers surprising their kids at school, or seeing road kill?
There’s also a little something called intuition. You know, that innate ability to perceive things?
If all else fails, wait for the baby to move for the first time. Literally everything I have experienced so far in 9 months of pregnancy has been pretty difficult and mostly negative, but feeling the baby move inside my belly is nothing short of magical. Despite my inability to walk in a straight line, sleep through the night, or go more than 30 minutes without experiencing horrific acid reflux, I smile every time I feel that flutter. The rolling, kicking (possibly punching?), and hiccupping of a little life growing in my body can put a smile on my face when nothing else can.
Of course, every woman’s body and pregnancy is different, and I don’t want to hate on women who have different or difficult pregnancies. And I’m sure each woman’s experience is unique, but there can be no denying the fact that women who feign ignorance over their surprised pregnancy are 100% deluded.